On Zits, Black-Heads, and Intimacy

I can hear complaints already- OH MY GOD THAT’S DISGUSTING! Are you kidding?? We're talking about LOVE and MARRIAGE DURABILITY here!!

First things first, let’s clear it out of the way: the moment you males get married, you give up the rights to your skin blemishes. It’s embedded in the wedding vows, whether you like it or not, and you’ll have to patiently go through hours of “skin cleaning” from your wives. That’s it. It doesn’t work that you complain, whine, or even get mad: it’ useless. You officially hand over the rights the moment you get married, and in fact, I will say that the moment your wife stop pressing your zits, you should start doubting the solidity of your marriage.

I AM NOT KIDDING!!! My husband usually rolls his eyes at this point and tries to get away from me, but he also realizes that he needs to let me groom him, or I will get quite cranky.

There are three levels of intimacy with someone: the first one is when you kiss, and you experience the first exchange of body fluids in the form of saliva. Then there is- NOT oral sex and NOT petting (do teenagers these days still talk about petting?? Because, I swear, it wasn’t till I was past 18 that I finally figured out what it was!)- those come WAY after! The second level of intimacy is sex, penetration, “regular sex”, if you want. Then, the deepest level of intimacy known to mankind, the one that opens up everything else: Zit Pressing. When you get to groom your partner, there are no more known barriers- oral sex becomes natural, going number two in each other’s bathroom, burping- you name it, after zit pressing everything else is on the table. It’s pretty logical if you think about it: if something as disgusting as someone else’s skin infection or excess fat does not gross you out, nothing ever will. That’s when you know it’s true love!! I love my friends to death, and I have to say zit pressing is, if not impossible, almost completely inexistent. But my husband- oh, I would spend hours grooming him!

When we see a guy with, like, a very evident zit on his face, I would point at him and whisper in my husband’s ear: “The poor thing- you can tell nobody loves him!!” And when it is my husband himself coming home with a zit/ black head on his face, I always yell at him: “Look, your coworkers probably think I don’t love you!!”

It’s a clearly remarkable sign of love that someone would groom you. Actually, I understand this is not common topic of conversation, but if you talk to all your other married male friends, they will tell you exactly the same thing. So, stop being prissy and just give up: we’re going to groom you no matter what, and the sooner you start taking it the right way, the better for your marriage!